Ms Xenon’s advice column
Today, we have several interesting social dilemmas that challenge
Q: Dear Ms Xenon: I don’t know if you know this, but there are people who take on the persona of animals. They will act as if they are really an animal and will take on the persona of everything from cats to rabbits.
My boyfriend wants to be a Javelina.
A Javelina is a feral pig that thrives in the Southwestern United States.
My problem is that he wants me to drive the motorhome when he makes his five state tour in August. What should I do?
A: Dear Daisy: Buy a suckling pig, prepare it and roast it on a spit. Make your boyfriend help you through all of the stages. Take pictures of your boyfriend and the roasting suckling pig. Use your Photoshop software to superimpose his head on the juicy, bronzing, crackling body of the pig.
When you break up by posting a new “status” at Facebook, include the photoshopped photo.
Q: Dear Ms Xenon:
I was standing near a bank when a Brinks truck turned over and spilled cash all over the place. I put my hoodie over my face and scooped up $175,000 in used bills before the police arrived.
Now I wonder if I did the right thing. I am not worried about it, because the bills were unmarked. The reward is only $50,ooo.
Should I turn the money in and hope for a puny reward?
A: Dear Jason You go to several Indian casinos a week and gamble the money big. Play the big progressive…
Wait! Are you nuts?
Turn the money in, take the reward, be a hero. Then go on CNN with Wolf Blitzer and a presidential candidate. Tell the candidate that you are a plumber who wants a three way with Sarah Palin and Barbara Bachmann.
Also tell Wolf Blitzer that you can hardly make ends meet in this economy.
Wolf will work that story for a week and you will quadruple your money! Just do not spend it all in one place, ha ha!
Q: Dear Ms Xenon
My girlfriend fake cries like Casey Anthony. She digs around in her eyes with a kleenex, huffs and chokes, but no tears come out. Plus, she talks and talks every time the police show up to take her away.
Everyone knows that you can’t cry and talk at the same time. She does this all the time. What should I do?
Signed, Joe The Plumber
A: Dear Joe I cannot give you any advice until you set yourself up with a Facebook account.
Dear Ms Xenon:
I am a famous celebrity and I farted on stage. I apologized, but everyone was disgusted with me! What should I do?
Signed, Lucille Ball
A: Dear Lucille:
One NEVER apologizes for public emissions of methane. In fact, one NEVER admits to having emitted natural gas at all.
Scientifically, everyone likes “their own brand” as my good friend Fat Bastard always says. Thus, the guilty party is always the one who is not choking and gagging!
You should have quietly stepped out of the gas cloud, choked, and put a convincingly disgusted look on your face. Then you simply should have let the host take the fall, and remained silent but deadly about the issue.
Everyone! I have exciting news! Ms Xenon will be at the Tucson Hilton on June 17 to wave my guns around and teach some manners to the folks at the annual “Fuck Juneteenth” we want slavery back rally!
Join me, Sarah Palin, and many more surprise guests for this festive event!