Things to do when bored out of your mind

Being bored out of one’s mind is pure torture and is destructive of the kidneys, spleen and sex life. Too much boredom can lead to skin picking, hula dancing and finding mysterious and inexcusable stuff on the ceiling.

Boredom leads the mind to divert itself into the realm of bad thoughts, thug thinking, tactless material acquisition at shopping malls, rompaging sex while alone, or mindless ingestion of fatty, greasy, nasty or crunchy comfort foods.

Some of the bored have even tasted their pet’s food or have experimented with wrong foods. Last year, over 1,208,393 Americans  have suffered the effects of ingesting liver and prune mousses or exotic offal.

We will not get into the vaginal and rectal injuries that resulted from boredom experiments. 

The constitution guarantees all Americans our freedom and the right to not be bored. We are going to hell in a hand basket if one second of boredom ever happens.

We have enemies who will exploit our boredom and expose us to foul entertainments, bizarre religious ritual, nasty foods, sex with alien beings, Donald Trump or flash fiction.

For the good of humanity, here are eight things that will snap a person out of the dregs of boredom right away. Four of them are in the real world and four are on line.

1. Walk with a camera in hand. If the neighborhood is an old, funky, interesting one, there will be an incredible array of sights that we miss completely when driving, running to safety, or riding by.

A rusting old iron fence that holds back a snarling pit bull, someone peeing in a corner, the neighbor hoisting a woman’s body into a car,  a manhole cover with a partially eaten Carl’s Jr. Burger on it, the light pole lying in the street, a stray dog, dying foliage: all of these things are great subjects.

The possibilities are endless in the older neighborhood or in the city, often leading to great exercise from running after someone notices that their picture is being taken.

In the suburbs, set a goal of capturing only natural objects and scenes, while keeping all man made objects out of the frame. This will yield an amazing array of pictures that no one would believe came from a built up area. And an added bonus is that the neighborhood pervert, or juvenile serial killer may actually show up in one or two of the photos.

 2. Check out the radio. With so many other ways of listening to music and getting the news, we forget about the radio. There is a wonderland of new radio stations that include underground, independent, fucked up, coke snorting, pot wheezing, whacked out, jazz, classical, university, and other alternatives to boring old commercial radio. Trust me.
The first time that you hear Persian Rap will be the last time that you listen to mainstream radio.

3. Take a trip down memory lane. Break out the old photos and have someone talk about the people and the locations. Amazing stories of diarrhea, foreign jails, illegal acts, drug and alcohol fueled frenzies and endless miles of bickering will come out when everyone begins to reflect on the things they did when they were young.

4. Head to a local museum and get thoroughly into one of the exhibits! Of course, you must be prepared with a legal defense, but for a few seconds, you will see things from a unique perspective. 

It helps to go on a guided tour of the museum or to rent the recording. Try to see things from the perspective of a person who really gives a healthy shit about all that sick art and dessicated, boring crap.

5. Love the web! Embrace the web! Be the web! Go to Hot or Not and post the most plug ugly picture of someone that you can find. This site has an incredible library of photos and rates submissions according to the persons “hottie” factor.  Stir it up over there! Tell them that Donald Trump sent you!

6. Learn to draw and paint on line. Sumo Paint not only has a complete draw and paint program for free, there is a huge gallery of beautiful computer art that you can save to your own “gallery” of favorites. Go ahead! Sit in your darkened rooms and get the voice of your negative, carping parents or failed, bitter, alcoholic art teachers out of your head. Become an artist for once and quit whining to the rest of us about how you “always wanted to be one”!

7. Make your own collections of music that you can pop into your facebook or other on line page, download, or just listen to radio and search a giant library of music at  Don’t limit yourself to so-called “good” music…it’s overrated. Try out such tunes as Chan Man “I Want To Love You Tender Forever”

8. Visit Comics.Com and find comics from every era!  Some comics can be popped into your blog or page, in full color!  Try to find the vintage comics that were published before the fascist censors stepped in and the politically correct civil rights people rioted in order to ruin the genre.

Come on! Buck up! Boredom does not have to be the invasive and putrid experience that can suck the joy out of a perfectly good and lazy day! Get out into the virtual world and live it up!

Gnarls Barkeley  “Crazy”