One day, five nuclear power plant owners walked into a bar and had a meeting. After a few drinks, they came up with the idea of baking a cake. They all voted and decided to bake a chocolate cake with butter cream frosting.
After all, they had harnessed the power of the stuff of the universe. They had changed swords to plowshares and created cheap and nasty electricity for all!
Why not apply all of that brain power and skill to baking a cake?
It was decided that the cake would be chocolate, baked into two flat cylinders, then covered with buttercream icing that would lie in a nice layer between the two cakes. More butter cream frosting would be used to cover the sides and top of the cake structure.
An IBM computer assisted in the design, chemical structure and layout of the cake. Thus the steps toward achieving a desirable cake were identified.
The design stage went smoothly, except for a couple of clowns who wanted to have an expensive thermostat for the oven. Another person insisted on two sets of expensive measuring cups and spoons, one for dry ingredients and one for liquid ingredients. Others insisted on high quality pans that were far more substantial than the cheap aluminum supermarket pans.
The extravagant dissenters quit their jobs after their ideas were shot down. The items that they were recommending were excessive and costly.
On the day of the cake fission implementation program, things started to go well but took a bad turn, leading to a series of cascading failures that will be felt for decades to come.
“Hup hup! Listen up everyone! We need flour, baking powder, sugar now! Make sure that it all adds up to 3 or 4 cups! Monitor the substance levels, but if there are indicators of problems, just refer to the recipe!!!”
“Where are you going? We need you here!”
“We don’t need to be here! We have other cake baking operations to organize. The world isn’t going to survive on just one cake, y’know!”
The higher ups ran to their fancy, official cars and drove off, leaving the nuclear physicists and technicians to do all the work of making a chocolate cake!
The bewildered nuclear cake bakers reviewed the government approved recipe that they had been handed and proceeded to procure the substances that would go into the mix.
“This recipe is in American measurements! We have to convert the amounts to accommodate those Armenian metric measuring cups and measuring spoons!”
“Good Lord! The Armenians had the low bid on the measuring cups and measuring spoons?”
“Oh, that’s no problem! I can do that math in my head…let’s see…”
1 + 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder (dutched/dark)
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 cup sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla essence
3/4 cup milk
3/4 cup melted butter
“That flour converts to…errp…170 grams, so lets add 50-60 grams for safety!”
” And the sugar is 220 grams, so let’s make it 350 grams…I like a sweet cake!”
” Hmmm, what kind of milk? Cow’s milk? Goat’s milk? Coconut milk?
“We don’t care! Milk is milk! Lets have 1.8 dl, give or take 2.3 dl of evaporated milk! That’s what the low bidder sent…that’s what we’ll use!”
“But what about the chocolate? It calls for dutched or dark, but we’ve only got Hershey’s bars!”
“Let’s run the candy bars through the freeze dryer, then pulverize them!”
“Hip Hip Hooray! Here’s a teaspoon/spork from the low bidder…we’ll just put in, hmmm…three of these with baking powder and four with vanilla substitute from NASA…then we’ll throw in about 800 of these, brimming with those pulverized Hershey’s bars!”
“Are those almonds in those Hershey’s bars? Won’t they affect the structure of the cake?”
“Nahhh. It’s all good. Almonds will help to moderate the effects of the heat when it is applied to the baking soda!”
“We need 170 g of melted butter, but all we have is Smart Balance. Let’s make it 300 grams, just for safety’s sake.”
“Allright, folks, peel those eggs and mix it up!!!!! We’re on a schedule here!”
Two hours later.
“Core breach on mixer one! Core breach on mixer one! Evacuate! Evacuate!”
“No no! Just get the spray bottles and keep the water coming! Keep spraying! Keep spraying! See! The mix is thinning out and it definitely has returned to a cake mix consistency!!!!”
“Now…get it in the pans. What do you mean, it won’t all fit? Just get some ramekins for the overflow and store them in some pools of water!”
“Into the ovens! The ovens are at optimal heat of 35o degrees Fahrenheit or 1,800 degrees centigrade! No, wait! Thats…errrmmm…180 centigrade…sorry….”
Forty minutes later!
The cakes are out of control!”
“Oven breach! Oven Breach!”
“It’s all a giant, hot mass of molten chocolate…”
“Aiiieeee! It’s like watching a remake of “The Blob” on BET, with an all Black cast!!!”
“No no! Dont pop it! The steam….”
The video record ends at this point. Subsequent investigations revealed that damage to the cake baking structure was extensive. No survivors were found, but reports of fluffy, delicious dark brown, blob like creatures began to come in from several cities.
The blobs entered the atmosphere and circled the globe within three days.
Reports came in from all over the world that happier but over caffienated cows were producing nothing but chocolate milk. Beef was tastier. Vegetables tasted good. Starvation ended.
The medical marijuana and biofuels industries boomed because there was unlimited and free chocolate for baking brownies and distilling biofuel.
Global warming ended.
The nuclear power industry sank into economic failure, leaving tons of spent and useless, but highly radioactive fuel to dispose of in Tea Party and Red states that never contributed that much to the federal coffers, anyway.