My Interviews With Famous Celebrities: Part Six

Here we go again! My wildly popular series that gets a whopping six ratings and five comments is proof positive that my skills as a citizen journalist are growing!

Today, I have a lineup that will make Wendy Williams and Joy Behar weep in jealousy and shame!


 

What’s Hot and What’s Not

Welcome What’s Hot and Whats Not! I am so excited to be the first with the end of the year decisions about the pop culture twists that need to oblivatize and the ones that will rule our day for the next few months!

What have you got for us today?


Well thanks for the interview, sweetie. I love your nails? Is that “FU” written on each one? Oh no! There’s one “FM”….oh you bad girl!

 

I have the dish and the fork and the spoon today!

Oh, I’m fainting over the volume of not hot messes and schmuckery that is ruining my nation’s mojo!

Camel Toes

They are not hot! Get a room, or get a pole, get larger sized and hide your hole!

France

Is not hot! All that butter, alcohol, capitulation, funk, smoking, rioting, pointy shoes on rude little men and dark armpit hair is just not lighting my FIRE!

“Mama Grizzly

Is freezing! What is that anyway? Only a stupid person can’t figure out how to get a new buzz word after a few months.

Abandonment-governor is turning us off with backwoods references from a creepy political hustler.

DWTS

SOOOOO not hot! Those judges behaved as if fedora wearing government officials were backstage, listening to every word and waiting to take them into CUSTODY after the show!

Dancing? Were they judging dancing? Here’s the dancing that I was looking for: I kept looking for those dancing red dots that come from laser gun sights!

They didn’t even choke while they gushed all over a homely and clumsy grub, while the elegant butterfly was humiliated!

Lindsay Lohan

NOT hot, and not even likable, at least according to every parent who has seen their kid locked up for years for doing even less than she has!

George Bush

He needs to sit on the hot seat and let us heat him up in court!

Michael Vick and Bret Favre

Currently not hot, but may come back. Yawn. Sorry.

Reporters in locker rooms

About as hot as botoxed blondes wearing HDTV makeup, and you know what I mean! Eeeek!

Sarah Palin’s voice

OMG, she sounds more and more like mike-amp feedback! Load the escape boats! Don’t even let that woman near a Fisher Price microphone! Aiiiiiiieee!

Facebook

Those privacy scandals, and I mean plural, and the tons of people who sign up and never go there means that something stinks in the farmer’s market!

(By the way, do you have any coins or gifts for the Farmer’s market game?)


Outsourcing jobs,

It’s not cute and not hot to tell people to move to the countries where their jobs were outsourced. This is about as hot as Mel Gibson.

Shaved heads with lumps, bumps, wrinkles and humps

Please do the right thing…partially bald is sexy….please for the sake of all that is good and holy.

Bedbugs ain’t no kind of hot.

Twitter

There are two types of tweeters: road kill and road killers! Arrrr!

Republicans

Sound the NOT hot alarms! Now they have to honor their campaign promises to make their stupid supporters even more broke and homeless, then they have to cut the pork that their districts have been getting!

Soooooweeeee!

Andy Harris (R, Maryland)

He wants his own taxpayer supported House of Misrepresentation health care plan NOW. This is the guy who vowed to repeal health care reform for the rest of us!

Ooooh, hand me my silk Chinese shawl! This is just chilly.

Botox

Is the Ayatollah of not hot! Nothing looks more like dead meat than an over botoxed face. Let’s go vegan, people!

Puffy lips

They look like surgical scars! Stop it, people!

Help me! Pundit in distresssss!

Fake tans and fake huge breastesses

You are orange and freaky looking, not ethnic!

Skanky women who show up on bad news shows…

…with Gloria Allred after having affairs with male celebrities are HOT? NOT (unless there’s a fever from all the STD’s that they have)!

Glen Beck

He is not hot in a car. He is not hot, near or far. He is not hot when being a ham. He is not hot, Sam, I am!

Ditto, Rush Limbaugh,

even if he does look like Porky Pig. Wush is  Weewee not Hawt, like that wascawy wabbit Jon Stewart is hot.

Bluetooth earphones

NOT NOT NOT….hot! No. Borg you are not.

Mismatched clothes that look like they are two sizes too small?

NOT HOT! Get out of Granny’s closet. Or come out of Granny’s closet, I don’t care.

Monster sized restaurant servings

No no, Cherie.

TSA

Just when the TSA is lying about the scanners not storing those naked body images, Gizmodo gets their hands on a hundred of them.

Brrrrr!

Banking and Fracking. No. Just no.


Boots on the Ground

and “On the ground” is not HOOOOOOTTTT! What does that mean?

Oh fan me, I’ve got freezer burn!

Most of the human population is on the ground, you over blown media idiots!

The Democratic Party and Tea Party

Stick a lily in their hands and say a few words, Pastor.

Taking just any old drug

Big Pharma and Big cartel go away and go to hell!

Frack you! Shut the door!

These don’t help any more than bad pixilation of genitalia. We know what time it is, and it’s time to go, SciFy channel, you pile of shit.

And those are the last of of the not hot candies for now, luv!


Whoo! Well, What’s Hot and What’s Not, we’ll have part two next week!

 

You’ll read all about it in Open Saloon, where the Spam Folder is the real message holder!

Joe! Is that you doing the New Jersey Fist Pump Macarena with the housekeeper and playing with her camel toe?

Stop it right now!


 

Celebrity of the week

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