A Series of Halloween Tales: Part One, The Truth About US

(A group of people makes their way up the street, approaching Gracie Mansion in New York City, where they should never try to make Mexican picante sauce.

The group is led by a chattering and glamorous woman who looks exactly like Lindsay Lohan. It is nighttime.

It is Halloween night, in fact.)

Didn’t you love that spree at Neiman Marcus? Wasn’t it grand?

(The group of 20 or so people enters Gracie Mansion, greeted by a butler, who escorts them into the great room. Several revelers are already lounging and wandering in their various costumes. They are all ready for a party.)

Come on in, everyone! We are going to have the best of everything, food, drink, music, people!

(She addresses the partiers:)

I scored 5 Dolce Gabanas, some Blahniks and a group of makeup…concealers mostly. Then I snagged some MAC goth stuff on the way to the mansion.

And I picked up some appetizers, too!

Might as well go for the Goth look, you know. Goth is never wrong for Halloween week.

(Speaks to her companions:)

Halloween week is the most grand and fabulous holiday of the year and we have been planning for this one for months.

Just stay with me, folks. We are going to to the kitchen to check on a few things for the party, then everyone can get dressed and ready!

Oh look! Let me introduce Louise, Manny, Frank, about 12 newcomers…and two of the Bobsey quintuplets, freshly arrived from Hong Kong.

They are all lounging around, sipping Krystal and snacking on some deli meats.

“What have you got?” Greedy Gus Frank demands to know.

He always wants to know what we score when we shop. I got clothes..makeup…shoes…and look! I got gourmet deli meats for the appetizers!

“Yum! Neiman?”

Yes! And MAC cosmetics. Where’s Lenny, Diane and that bubbly friend of hers?

“Dunno. They were supposed to get in about an hour ago. I hope they don’t forget the blow. That last batch was killer!”)

Well my friends here need to freshen up and to get a little rest before they can party with the rest of us.

“Damn! Damn! Damn!” someone yells.

I almost jumped out of my skin!, Lenny! You look a sight, like someone rode you hard and put you away wet.

What the hell happened to you?

“Stupid people! They thought that they could jump us and get away with it. This year, the dummies came into the city with their stupid guns and thought that they could just crash in and take over our party.”

Dumbies. Happens every Halloween! This is Diane, everyone. She looks fabulous since she has had the procedure. Glowing, practically.

(Diane looks at the newcomers and asks:) “Were they dressed up? Did they have their little outfits on?”

“Oh, like you wouldn’t believe!” They even had newspapers stuffed in the sidewalls of their car, too cheap to get some real armor!”

(Lenny speaks:) “Does it look like assholes shot me and blew off half my head! Damn! Now where am I going to get another fresh Puerto Rican head made at this hour?”

(Dr Drew comes in from a back room and speaks:) “Here…Fresh from the Ferry building. They always try to get  in and out by ferry on Halloween. This one is Chinese and it should fit.”

Dr. Drew! Only you know how to keep a head looking fresh! That is a new lucite box, isn’t it! I guess that you’re off to the basement with Lenny now, aren’t you, you Devil!

Friends….no no! Don’t run! That man is just serious about his Halloween costume! It’s not real, you sillies.

Let’s move on to the kitchen…what’s that?

Ohhh, I have no idea when Dr. Drew showed up, but I am glad that he did. He knows how to put us back together when a stupid drunk ruins our Halloween look.

Hell, I’ve been Diana Ross, Halle Berry (had to go to LA for her) and Beyonce.

Today, I’m Lindsay Lohan and has she ever looked better?

Gracie Mansion never looked better, either, since we “bought” the place from the Mayor, her security and most of her family. The rest of them just stayed with us.

We use..er..”hired” most of those people to serve as lookouts and to scour for household goods. The place is done all in neo minimalist, with touches of gauche, Ha ha!

Ahhh! Here we are! Don’t you love these kitchens? They go on forever, you know.

It’s a great life. Sometimes our “costumes” get a little beat up, like Lenny.

When stupid hu…uhhh…”outsiders” get off their reservations and show up, we just go out in groups of ten or twenty, pretend to stumble around looking stupid and scare the mulch out of them.

Most of them just run like crazy. Some try to do whatever it is that they come here to do. None succeed. They can’t succeed.

You won’t succeed.

Don’t you love our Kitchens? They’re massive. Oh! and here’s cook.

You people come from all over the world, trying to get a taste of us and our…ummm…”lifestyle”.

You keep showing up, but you notice that none of you never return home. Of course, you want to be us, but only so many of us can be us. You never figure that out.

Too many of us and we would have no one…erp…nothing to eat, for goodness sake!

Don’t do that, darling. You don’t want to know what’s down there. Trust me.

But you stupid humans are never ready to leave us alone, even though we keep things running, harvesting only who…ummm…what we want and need. We are deeply into the environment and into organics and all of that.

We raised you as organic humans, you know…whoah! No, you can’t get out that way…

We have good appetites, but nothing out of control. We will eat any part of you, except for your brains.

You think that we only eat your brains, but that’s the farthest thing from the truth! Ha ha!

All of you humans have mad cow. All of you…oooh!…see…it’s so quick! No pain! Stress just ruins your meat. Ooops…there’s another one of you done!

So anyway, your brains and spines are no good.

We keep you alive, give you suburbs and internet and jobs… and what do you do…

Wow! He put up a fight, didn’t he?

You thank us by coming here and causing trouble.

Then you want to become fully Zomb. We kill and burn most of you, but you were brought in special.

No, no, dear. You don’t want that door. Just come back inside. It will all be over soon.

It’s all nothing like the movies. We’re not stupid, bumbling galoots, whining for brains and tearing into buildings. We’re doctors and lawyers, musicians and electrical engineers. We keep the world running and we keep the herds mostly happy.

And tasty.

Like you, luv. Let’s roast her whole, cook!

See? Zap! There she goes in an instant!

Oh! Must run. Don’t worry, your loved ones will have plenty of you for the funeral because we do humane slaughter.

They’ll find you and will think that one of your own serial killers got you.

Ta Ta!  The band is set up and they’re playing my favorite song.

(The band sings…)


“We are the Zomb.

We are da bomb.

Ha ha ha ha ha!


Just say no to any brains!

Just say yes to all the rest…”