Adventures in Droidland

After months of plotting and plotzing, I finally got me Droid. OMG, that thing is a materialistic orgasm of consumer nonsense. But I have reasons for upgrading to a little computer on wheels. Being a medical marvel of fighting a rare illness, I’ve been holed up all winter and now can do my writing and research outside of the house!

I feel no remorse as my little 5 year old Samsung rests peaceably in the closet, its little battery snoozing until such a time as I might need it again. The little fellow has been a loyal and trustworthy companion during good times and bad times.

But I had to take the deal on a droid. I’ve been on a three day plan that involved absolutely no carbohydrates. This was to see if something could jump start my metabolism in order to drop some dangerous pounds. No way am I walking willingly into Type II Diabetes and joint damage.

Three days without carbohydrates will affect the brain. I think that carb deprivation damages the phrenominic system and the frugality centers of the mind.

Only one more day of that nonsense, then it’s french bread, wheat germ and real food again.

After getting the deal of a century for what must be an older model, I took the thing home and promptly had to use a land line to call Verizon in order to get the thing set up. I like to get the older model for as cheaply as possible in order to learn about the features. Sometimes the latest and greatest models offer features that only, Steven Hawking or Michelle Obama would need. The rest of us would never use them.

It was not a bad setup process at all. Verizon tech support is not of this Earth and is not of India, either. The phone center folks have never been less than stellar even once in five years.

Even the tech support gets excited about this device.

After the setup, it was just a matter of getting used to the tiny keys with my stubby fingers in order to hand my life over to Google G-mail.

The thing is nonsense! When it is turned horizontally, everything goes horizontal with a sneer, as if to say “That all you got, sissy-girl?”

After minimal tinkering, I found the apps. Oh my, the apps. It is true that there are thousands of them, but many, with their less than 4 full stars, do not cut the mustard as far as I’m concerned.

 They all have  comments with ratings and warnings, very Open Saloon-like in directness of speech, if a bit cleaner in language. No one yells “STFU” in all caps.

 There are some goodies, indeed.

I found a bible, a compass, a tiny little security software, a numeric and measures converter, a stopwatch, a flashlight, a radio and some other nonsense.

There are art programs, technical stuff that I’ve never heard of, games, goofy goodies, daily cartoons. I have to dive back in there and go after that metronome. And that is just from lurking through the free stuff.

Later, I decided to try a visit to one of my writing sites. Thank goodness the thing has a zoom. Everything was tiny, but crystal clear. I could not figure out how to do a new post, which is fine, given the tiny keyboard.

The title worked fine, but the body of the text kept throwing me out. I will have to figure out how to copy and paste or just use my computer which, strangely, has an absolutely HUGE screen right now.

Part of me is racked with guilt and the other part is gloating over the deal that I got. The leftovers of me are fretting about being in hock to Verizon for the rest of me life for the bloated bill. But, as always, I have many justifications for the purchase that manage to rationalize things just fine.

My favorite rationale is:  “STFU, superego. Id and Ego need a day out to play, you know”. Id and Ego were starting to stink, and I at least convinced them to take a shower.

But it’s a Droid. I am now portable, as in not tied to the computer and the darkened rooms where I feared turning into a toadstool or a fat, greasy psychotic with no cats. I have been housebound since last August and have had enough!

Now I can hang out in cafes, ogle the mens and lurk all over the web, untangling the strings of me vast but highly unprofitable internet empire.

I even took a phone call. One call was telling me that I had a great opportunity to get in on something that was left unsaid because the “end” symbol is quite easy to find.

I ignored the other call. Phooey! We’re talking brand new PDA here!

Droooiiiidddd….(bizarre sound with awful and scary wagging red light)….will rule the world with its 16 gigabytes of hard, cold memory and its merciless compass flashlight megapixel camera and 3D Google app video thingie.

I don’t know when this thing will be obsolete. It isn’t Apple, after all, which goes obsolete as soon as the patent cools off.

Maybe next, we’ll get implants and start looking like those Borgs with the camera and screen where the right eyeball used to be, and a satellite dish shoved up our useless…

well…we’ll leave the future to the young. Right now the old is pretty happy after waiting so long.

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