Oh Lord help us, we are getting Paula Deen when we really need Michael Rennie.
The woman has no template for self control when it comes to the four food groups: flour, fat, sugar, and whatever else it is that the doctor won’t let us have!
She boldly dares to go where we’ve been told not to go, and she does it with such abandon and glee that I long to follow her to the Food Network studios, where I could lap up gravy with chunks of dough and meat to my heart’s content.
Today, I have found a recipe that is the stuff of gustatory madness. Something wicked this way comes, and be forewarned that you anorexics and bulimics will be heading for the restroom before the full content and impact of this recipe even processes through your malnourished brains.
There is no explanation on Earth for that kind of food and I long for some ubermensch with an afro and a six pack to arrive in a burst of glory, and to warn us, not about our violence and aggression, but our gluttony. Perhaps the coalition of powerful space civilizations will send their robot. Maybe they will threaten to take away all of our gravy-making capacity if we don’t start walking right.
In my fantasy, Michael Rennie would intone,”Nic bubble butt too fatu!” as he hauls in giant lasers to convert our planetary saturated fat supply into a giant pool of Omega-3 fatty acid! With Vitamin C!
Back to Paula. She never explained what she planned to do with the english muffins or the buns. She just dove for those doughnuts in the same way that Al Pacino dove his face into that huge pile of cocaine, in “Scarface”. I’m waiting for Paula to grab her love handles and howl “Say hello to my little friends!”
In summary, Paula Deen is the queen of food porn, with her mostly delicious, yet completely impractical food recipes! The rest of these recipes are madness that comes from a society of gustatorial excess!
But we publicly wince and we secretly cheer!
While we groan and yell aloud, we silently crave the tasties. We don’t yell to our doctors that they’re effete yuppies, sucking the life out of us with their vile, healthy diet recommendations! We wait until we’re driving past the “Krispy Kreme” franchise to indulge in the delightful confections while in the privacy of our own automobiles.
We throw out eating advice, boast about our self control, bore everyone to tears with competitive righteousness about our successful diet restricting. In public, we are Puritans. In private, we are hedonists.
In private, we salute those who are about to die from atheroscloresis. We know that, in moderation, nothing kills.
But my friend, Paula, has no moderation as she cranks out delicious travesty after delicious travesty!
I salute her! But I also count my days supply of calories and take my cholesterol pills!