Stupid-Americans Have Rights, Too!

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and

I’m not sure about the former.”

– Albert Einstein

I am appalled at the vicious attacks that are being written on line regarding Stupid-Americans! They are being called “Tea Baggers”, when they actually mean to bag tea, not tea bag. They think that tea is a sissy drink that those foreigners use to tax us in the bay, so they want to toss it in there. What is wrong with a good, patriotic American tea bagging in the sense of good old American liberty and values?

Fig. 1  A stupid-American demonstrating American ingenuity.
Stupid Americans are based in the depths of our history as a nation. They are the ones who taught us how to throw perfectly good DUTCH tea into Boston Harbor after the British allowed competition and after the price of tea had never been more reasonable!
Stupid Americans gave us the first Affirmative Action programs when they
1. Either Ran off or, were too stupid acting after the Civil War to serve in the Army, leaving openings for the Buffalo Soldiers to fill. and
2. Threw the brothers out of planes to become the first “Smoke jumpers”. (Of course, once they figured out that White guys could get paid, the brothers were kicked out.)

Fig 2.  Stupid-Americans know how to have great fun, and with style.
Stupid-Americans are masters of the logical fallacy, and use it to further their benign and nation building goals. They are the very rightness of our nation, the white that is in the “Red, White, and Blue”. They are the engine of our economy that keeps our Wal Marts open and full of Cheap Chinese Crap. They attend the University of Reality Show and matriculate at teabagging parties across the nation, serving no purpose whatsoever.

“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?” – Cynthia Heimel, Author

“The world is more like it is now then it ever has before.” – Dwight Eisenhower, 34th President of the United States.

“Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it’s tuna, but it says ‘Chicken by the Sea.'” – Jessica Simpson

“When I see someone who is making anywhere from $300,000 to $750,000 a year, that’s middle class.” – Fred Heineman, former Republic representative from North Carolina

“So you’re behind this Passengers’ Bill of Rights move. I have to tell you, in general, I’m skeptical of anything that has Bill of Rights tacked on to it.” -Michelle Malkin

“These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by griefparrazies. I have never seen people enjoying their husband’s death so much. -Ann Coulter

” I am a fashion god. I got it at Nordstrom’s. … Are you proud of me? Can I quit now? Can I come home now?” – Michael Brown (Brownie “Heckuva Job”) in the midst of Hurricane Katrina.

“I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger

“…and of course there are the 39 million greedy geezers collecting Social Security. The greatest generation rewarded itself with a pretty big meal. -Ann Coulter

“Every person who opens the door — as long as they are white — I’ll say ‘I’m James Hart and I’m running for Congress.”– Eugenics fan James Hart, running as a GOP Congressional candidate in Tennessee

“Some of these babes, I’m telling you, like the sexual harassment crowd. They’re out there protesting what they actually wish would happen to them sometimes.”-Rush Limbaugh

“As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It’s Alaska. It’s just right over the border.” -Sarah Palin


“I think on a national level your Department of Law there in the White House would look at some of the things that we’ve been charged with and automatically throw them out.” -Sarah Palin

“The sex curriculum will be essentially by taught by the local gay community.” – Michele Bachmann

“I’m thinking about killing Michael Moore, and I’m wondering if I could kill him myself, or if I would need to hire somebody to do it. … No, I think I could. I think he could be looking me in the eye, you know, and I could just be choking the life out. Is this wrong?” -Glenn Beck


“O-L-I-G-A-R-H-Y.”-Glenn Beck

In summary, the contributions of Stupid-Americans are endless. They make the rest of us feel like geniuses, especially when we cannot, for the life of us, figure out how to install the new windshield wipers; or when we cannot remember the name of that guy on the old westerns with the froggy voice…Jingles! That’s who! Jingles!

They are the Billy Mays of political discourse, the Eddie Haskells of ethics, and the women are those hookers with the hearts of political gold!

Stupid-Americans are the hamsters on the wheel of life, and they deserve to be left alone to write the specious anti-American drivel that entertains the hell out of us and forces us to dust off and to review our rhetoric course material from thirty ten years ago.