Give Me A Bailout And I’ll Teach You To Fish For A Day!

Give Me A Bailout And I’ll Teach You To Fish For A Day!

Look, give me a bailout of, say, 20 million dollars, and I will stimulate the economy in ways that you never imagined!  I have developed an excruciatingly beautiful program of philanthropy, lifting myself up by my bootstraps, and local economic stimulation that will solve much of the problems of many.

First, I would contribute to the decaying housing market by purchasing a modest house with a nice lot, say at least half an acre.  I would employ contractors and sub contractors to refurbish and upgrade the place with increased asset value and Green infrastructure improvement in mind.

I would go zero energy, with solar power, and I would go green with recycled products in my home decor.  I would grow herbs and vegetables for the farmers markets.  I would distribute the excess to non profit food services for the poor and needy.

I would set up a philanthropic trust and make endowments with a goal of 99 cents on the dollar going directly to the good or service that is supposed to be provided by the charitable agency.  There would be no skimming of money for fundraising, posh offices, paid staff, Republicans or other non-contributory overhead.

I would continue to stay off the streets.  I would continue to not be a criminal or crazy assed  drain on society.  I would continue to not require welfare or food stamps.  I would continue to not lie, cheat, or steal in order to get at the cheap Chinese crap that is available in so many of the market places.

I would sue the flesh off of a stupid, bullying cop for failing to leave after I show proof that I’m rightfully in my own home, or after I’ve signed the traffic ticket without causing any trouble.  (I really am interested in  the inconsitencies in Gates and Figueroea’s statements, by the way.)

Personally, I would avoid the Sarah Palin clothing budget as if it were a flesh eating budget!  I would buy classic styles, fit for my age, portly shape, and mature demeanor. My wardrobe would be in natural fibers, and would be stylish for decades to come.

I would vacation with the hoi polloi in places like Albuquerque, Boca Raton, and Kansas City, Missouri.  These are lovely places, and the Kansas City Rib tradition, with it’s fabulous dry rub and long, slow cooking, has no parallel.

Albuquerque is a place of art, mystery, and bullshit stories made up by Indians. There are also military personnel around there who rival the Indians in their ability to make up bullshit stories about a place.

I’ve never been to Boca Raton, but I bet that the cheap seafood there is just fine.

I would never hold lavish functions that would cost hundreds of thousands of dollars.  I would hold lavish functions that would cost hundreds of dollars.  I would donate the money directly to the charity, and skip the lavish fundraisers (except as a way to party nicely, now and again, just for partying’s sake).

Since we’ve become a society where you have to know somebody who knows somebody in order to get anywhere, I would start a new charity:

“The Be Somebody For A Nobody Corporation”.

In this charitable endeavor, I would recruit big shots,  then assign them to help an average schmo out of a fix!

Think about it!  If you’re a corrupt or discriminatory landlord, would you jerk a tenant around if Tony Soprano’s real life counterpart paid a visit?  Or Mike Tyson?

Hey! If you’re trying to get into your own home, would some stupid cop try to harass you into an arrest with Big Pussy sitting in your living room?

Folks would GET that great Federal civil service job, where they came out number one on the list, but can’t seem to get an interview, if Oprah shows up with her camera crew to make a polite inquiry and offer assistance.

God help the obnoxious hospital staff that neglects a patient after a real-life version of  “Dr. House” shows up lugging a metal baseball bat, a colostomy bag, and a syringe!

What if you’re a national anti-immigrant; and anti-non-White President big mouth on CNN and you apparently weren’t born in America, yourself, according to your own birth certificate?  Why I would find someone like a present day Sherlock Holmes, to help you by digging up all the proof that can be dug up to settle your birth certificate issue for you at no cost to you!!

Ha!  Give ME the bailout, and I promise that change will come! The many will be given aid!  Society will improve!

The economy will suck with less suction; and injustice will take a look, stop, turn around, and walk away!