Republican’s Anonymous: Debbi’s Road To Remission

Republicans Anonymous

Headquarters: “D” Street House, Washington, D.C.

“Hello everyone. My name is Debbi “with an i”, and I am a Republican!

(The audience murmurs, with the odd individual shouting “Hello Debbi!”)

“I haven’t been to a meeting in a while, but things have gotten so bad that my therapist insisted that I come to one, or I have to go back into the rehab facility.”

” I was clean and sober for three months until I just couldn’t take it any more.  I was doing real well, too. No comments on people’s blogs. No Joe The Plumber seminars. No Alt.usenet postings. Not even a Tea Party! I even took my Sarah Palin poster down!”

(The audience applauds politely.)

“And then, a few weeks ago, my oldest son went all Gay on me! He just decided to come out of the closet, right in front of all of our friends at an important fundraiser for the Birthers! I had just given a rousing speech about why Obama is a citizen of Kenya, and even brought some Google Maps of Kenya.”

(The audience gasps and mutters.  The group moderator murmurs, “That’s a hard knock that you’ve taken, girl!”)

“Well, thank you for understanding what a horrible time I’ve been through.  I feel as if he had stabbed me in my heart and beat me with a stick!  Why, he even introduced one of what they call their “significant others”!  And it was a colored fellow!”

(The audience erupts in expressions of outrage.)

“I’ve spent the past  two weeks sleeping all day, refusing to take calls, and just in mourning.  I’ve even taken to wearing disguises and sunglasses, including the cutest Chanel’s that I found over on Rodeo Drive…”

“I just had to have a little taste, so I called the police and told them that those God awful Democrat neighbors of mine were making too much noise at one of their Democrat pot parties!”

“How did I know that the Deputy was going to go crazy and pepper spray everyone? I was just being a good citizen, rooting out those loud, violent communist sympathizers!”

“So, after the cops interviewed me and decided not to arrest me, I just needed one more little “pick me up”!  So I called the police and told them that my neighbor’s house was being broken into!  He’s one of those real uppity colored men and he was trying to get into his house.

“I thought it would be just a funny prank, but now it’s another national news event and the Blacks are whining about racism and everything! I had to buy a new shotgun to get ready in case there’s riots and they try to get into my gated community!”

“Well, that backfired, so I just had to have a little “hair of the dog”, so I signed onto a local Birther’s group and went to a meeting.  I was so shocked to hear that there was even more proof that the colored man in the white house isn’t even an American citizen!”

“As a result,  I went into a black out state for four days!”

“When I came to, I found out that I had helped to spread fifteen more rumors, gotten two more black people and five Mexicans arrested on false charges. But I don’t feel bad. They were about to commit one crime or another. That’s just the way that they are.”

(“Ride on, sister!” Someone yells.)

“Then I found out that  this new communist health care plan is really going to let the government control our bodies!  I wrote an entire press release about how we will be forced to have abortions just like those Chinese people.”

“My favorite topic was that Obama doesn’t even know who the President of France is!  He wrote a letter to that fellow Chirac and told him that he looked forward to working with him.  The President of France is Sarkozy!  I spent an entire night blogging and e-mailing about that one, as well as fielding all of the replies…”

(The audience is getting restless. Finally the monitor says “Chirac invited Obama to work with him on his foundation, not as President of France.  Obama was recently with Sarkozy on his latest overseas trip!)

“Ohhh…well now you see how I get when I blackout! (giggles) No harm, no foul! That’s what my husband, the County Prosecutor says when he gets caught witholding evidence from the defense! (giggles).”

(“Screw those criminals! They’re all illegal Mexicans, anyway!” someone yells from the audience.)

“Thank you. So anyways…I spent so much time on my computer that my husband called for an ambulance.  They locked me up for three days and I went through the worst withdrawal that I’ve ever gone through.  I kept trying to write on the walls and on my hospital gown…after all, they ran Sarah Palin out with their bullying and lies about her, when she’s going to be our next President! I fought to tell someone!”

“How could I let them get away with that?”

(“The monsters! They picked on a little retarded kid!” Another worked up audience member shouts.)

(The moderator is on the phone: “Hello? 911? We’re at the C Street House and we have a lady here who is having a severe Republican episode!  We need an ambulance!)

“That colored man just looked at my breasts!  He’s raping me with his eyes!”

(Several people step in to restrain Debbi from getting her nickel plated ladie’s Remington mini-shotgun from her bag.)

“Go ahead! Rape me if that’s what you want! You’ve all gone all liberal and bleeding heart, trying to carry off a real American Republican White Woman!  Go Ahead!  I’ll have the baby, even if it’s brown!  Abortion is not a woman’s right to choose, no matter what kind of rape mud animal she’s forced to bear!”

(The ambulance arrives and before they can sedate the raving Debbi, she rants some more.)

“Michael Steele has a policy!  He’s a victim of the liberal media “gotcha” moments! They played “gotcha” and he knows policy!  Michael Steele is ‘da man!

Are you a Mexican? Don’t touch me! I demand to see your green card!  Help! Immigration! Call the Department of Law! My husband is a prosecuting lawyer!”

(The EMT responds: I’m Cuban American, ma’am. Born in America.)

Communist!  Scarface!  No I won’t “say hello to your little friend!”  Hellllp!”

” I’ll sue!…I’ll sue!”*

(After Debbi is sedated and taken away in the ambulance, the moderator attempts to bring the meeting back to some control, but it’s too far gone. The remaining members fall out of remission and flock toward the nearest wi-fi hot spot to blog about illegal Mexican immigrants working as EMT’s and carrying Republicans off to Guantanimo….)

* Republican for “Attica! Attica!”


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