Here’s how it would go if I ever had a dream where Rush Limbaugh showed up. If that ever really happens, they can just lock me up and shoot me dead.
Setting: The Xenonlit Mansion
Hargroves: “Ma’am, a Mr. Limbaugh is waiting in the parlor. I’m preparing drinks and some finger food”.
Xenonlit: “Very good, Hargroves. He doesn’t have his goons with him, does he? I’m not entertaining goons.”
I notice that I have a gorgeous sun room, full of ferns and brass. I’m wearing a floral silk frock and red lipstick that enters the room five minutes before I do.
Hargroves: “I’ll have Mr. Jacob throw the goons out and feed them to the dogs, Ma’am”
Xenonlit: “Very good. Please tell Mr. Limbaugh that I’ll be there in a few minutes” (to self: “Damn damn damn! It’s Limbaugh! I should never have written that blog post!”)
I glide through my airy, massive mansion, noticing the beautiful views of ocean and forest and red desert. And yes! I have a black and white checquered floor in the foyer!
I come to my parlor and enter, finding a huge pink face floating above a golfer’s shirt and a bloated body shoved into tan slacks.
Xenonlit: “Ahhh, Rush Limbaugh! I trust you find the drink and food acceptable…”
Limbaugh: “Nice place you’ve got here…been skimming from the welfare fund, have you?”
Xenonlit: “Actually, I have my own legally obtained wealth, if you don’t mind. Whoa! Mr. Limbaugh! You want to be careful with those roast beef sandwiches…you might choke…oh my…You don’t appear to have an esophagus. I’ve never seen anything like that. But anyway, I despise you, so what do you want here, Mr. Limbaugh?”
Limbaugh: ” Well here…” Limbaugh belches and waves some documents around. The documents flap in the breeze created by Limbaugh’s belching and yakking…
“Fill these out! I want all of your financial information….”
Xenonlit: “On a cold day in Hell the Devil will give you everything that you desire, Mr Limbaugh…With a mighty, mighty thrust, The Devil will shove those papers right up your ….”
Hargroves: “Ahem! Ma’am! Here are second helpings of the sandwiches. Mr Limbaugh is certainly of (ahem) good appetite.”
I can’t quite make out what Hargroves mutters as he leaves the room. I do hear the words “Limbaugh!” “….cack handed”…and… “bastard…”
Hargroves hails from Manchester and was in service once at Balmoral Castle.
Limbaugh flashes his teeth. He flashes his teeth a lot, lately. It’s like a tic
Limbaugh: “I came here to tell you that “The phony soldiers” like you, who wanted us out of Iraq….1
Xenonlit: “Mr. Limbaugh! Wouldn’t you like to take that pill with some water?”
Limbaugh: “Arrgmmmph…brrrraaap!….No. I’m fine. Burrrp… And don’t forget, Sherrod Brown is black. There’s a racial component here, too. And now, the newspaper that I’m reading all this from is The New York Times, and they, of course, don’t mention that.”2
Xenonlit: “OMG! Hargroves! He’s growing smaller! He took that pill and now he’s only three inches tall! Oh hell! Don’t let him get into the cushions…he may leave little pink man droppings down in there!”
Hargroves: “I’ve got him, ma’am. Ow! He bites! He’s seems to want another pill. I’ll give him the pink one. Oh my…he’s eating it awfully fast….”
Limbaugh grows back to his normal size: “This is no different than what happens at the Skull and Bones initiation…I’m talking about people having a good time, these people, you ever heard of emotional release? You ever heard of the need to blow some steam off?”3
Xenonlit: “Limbaugh, you stop taking those pills! Hargroves! He’s gotten huge! He takes up half the sofa now! How are we going to get him out of here?”
Limbaugh: “THE ONLY WAY TO REDUCE THE NUMBER OF NUCLEAR WEAPONS IS TO USE THEM.”4
Xenonlit: “I’d like to use one on you right now, you fat fucker! Why I’ll…”
Limbaugh: “Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society.”5
Xenonlit: “You just ate 24 finger sandwiches in one bite! And what pill are you taking now? Does it do anything at all? Or are you just taking it to be taking it?”
Limbaugh: “Burrrrrrp…grunt….We’re not sexists, we’re chauvinists — we’re male chauvinist pigs, and we’re happy to be because we think that’s what men were destined to be. We think that’s what women want.” 6
Xenonlit: “No, Limbaugh! You’re too ugly and cheesy to be chauvinistic, you living, breathing Beaver Fart! You’re merely a sexist, or at least pretending to be one. How much are you paying for sex these days, you pink, porcine craphound?”
Limbaugh starts a strange line of babbling about his cat: “She comes to me when she wants to be fed. And after I feed her — guess what — she’s off to wherever she wants to be in the house, until the next time she gets hungry. She’s smart enough to know she can’t feed herself. She’s actually a very smart cat. She gets loved. She gets adoration. She gets petted. She gets fed. And she doesn’t have to do anything for it, which is why I say this cat’s taught me more about women, than anything my whole life.”7
Xenonlit: “This is how your cheese brain works, you flatulent fool? You compare women to pampered cats? Speaking of cats, I wish that I had a Tiger, right now, but it would be inhumane to let him eat you…the poor cat would get high from the mental E-Coli that you spread all around! My tiger would love the porky flavor of your marbled, fatty flesh, though.”
Limbaugh: “Too many whites are getting away with drug use…Too many whites are getting away with drug sales…The answer is to go out and find the ones who are getting away with it, convict them, and send them up the river, too.” 8
Xenonlit: “WTF? Oh yes, I will use my shark tank, today! I just got it from the Austin Powers catalog! It’s the ‘Fat Bastard’ model…the big one! I have a passel of starving sharks in there!”
But Limbaugh ignores me and starts to bounce! He bounces up and down for a while. He bounces until he actually rises and bounces through the parlor and through the dining room, farting and belching along the way!
Bouncing Limbaugh swings his fat arm, sending two caterers flying across the room as he bounces his way toward the refrigerator.
The caterers are the Creole Brothers and they scream “Sacre Bleu!” and “Merde!”
Limbaugh: “Ummmph…mmmppph….I would be honored if the Drive-By Media headlined me all day long. I Hope Obama Fails.’ Somebody’s gotta say it. Grunt, ummmmm…braaaap. Ahhh…good one…” 7
Hargroves: “Mr. Limbaugh! You must come out of the refrigerator! Those ten racks of lamb are for dinner tonight! Blimey!…Now he’s eating an entire pound of butter and a whole, raw chicken!”
Xenonlit: “Hargroves! He’s out of control! Get him out of here! Jacob! Make him stop bouncing! He’s eating the plates and glasses and…oh no…he’s eating the wax fruit from Harry and David!”
Hargroves: “Keith is here, Ma’am!…Keith will take care of this!”
At that point, I woke up. My heart was racing. It was a dream! Whew!
I instantly regretted, however, that I didn’t quite get Mr. Limbaugh into the “Fat Bastard” shark tank, which is downstairs in my dungeon.
After I woke up, I noticed that the television was on. It was Keith Olbermann doing his nightly Limbaugh clambake. Whew! No one can banish the O’Reilly’s and the Limbaughs like Keith.
Keith Olbermann’s “WTF!?! Moment: Rush Limbaugh” (Note the “Bouncing Rush” logo in the lower right corner of the screen!)
1. –on U.S. service members who support withdrawal from Iraq
2. –on the 2006 Ohio Senate primary race involving then-Rep. Sherrod Brown (D-OH), who is white
3. –on the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal
6. –on his cat