An Adult Fairy Tail: Part I

Little Lena was a comely lass who lived with her significant others in a deliciously wrong arrangement.  She and her man would make love all day long when her lover was away, fighting the Troll Wars.  Then she and her lover would make love all day and night when her man was away, selling prophylactics.


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When they were both  gone, she would gather things from the forest and the nearby ocean.  She didn’t know which one she loved the most: the forest with it’s magical ferns and canopies; or the ocean, with its blustery waves and coves.


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She would find small and tasty animals, then cure their meat and tan their little hides.  From the hides, she would sew exquisite dresses and suits for the wealthy hunting men and ladies.  She was known throughout the realm for her fine stitchery and pliant leathers.


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The local people traded fruits and vegetables for her smaller works, and she canned and brewed and preserved them up just fine.


Her little cottage was a wonderment of stone and wood and mortar.  Her man was a master wood carver.  His role in the Troll wars was to make the bows and arrows and wagons and bongs and folding chairs.  Her lover was an intense interior decorator. So Little Lena’s cottage boasted the finest lintels and mantles and accents, not to mention freaky sex.

Her lintels and mantles were a favorite of the hunting men and ladies who came for fittings of their new leather clothes. Those people paid well, but could be incredibe beyotches if the leather bothered their crotches.

Life was good, indeed.  Until the day that the Hunumgous arrived.  The Hunumgous was a very special source of news, a beast of the same proportions as a bear, with the look of a large, pink rabbit.  Sometimes, the Hunumgous had good news, sometimes bad.

One always fed the Hunumgous a meal of grits and shrimps, ribs, collards and gumbo and fruit and beer, then waited patiently for the news.  It was unheard of to show impatience, since the Hunumgous would be very, very sensitive, and it would take hours to coax it out of a closet or root cellar.

If the Hunumgous found  root beer in the root cellar, it would be disaster, because the creature got horny when drunk and there were already too many of them around.  Things would get ugly, indeed, since Hunumgous babies were born 20 at a time. So, when she heard that she would have a visit, Lena immediately started to cook. Her root cellar had way too much root beer tucked away.


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After her meal, the Hunumgous burped greatly, then  made  an increasingly common announcement, since the Troll Wars were not going well:  “You will be challenged greatly.  A great evil has come upon the land, and only a few of you have what it takes to defeat such evil.  In three days time, you shall be confronted by beasts so revolting, annoying and cruel that you will become weak, just looking at them!…


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“You will be armed with these talismans.”  The Hunumgous handed Little Lena a beautiful little box which was covered in carvings and sayings such as “Always wear clean underwear..you never know!”

Lena opened the  box.  It was lined with purple velvet, but it was empty.  “It’s empty!” She yelled.

The Hunumgous sighed a great sigh and closed it’s kind and lovely yellow eyes and said “Each talisman will appear when you need it. These will offer great protection, but not all protection.  You must also use all of your wit and wisdom to defeat the evil.”

Then, the Hunumgous hoisted it’s large bulk and left Lena’s cottage.  She stood at the doorway, stunned, watching the beast make it’s way until it was no longer visible.

“What manner of evil approaches?” She muttered, closing the door.

End of Part One.

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